me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
This is my emotional support knife.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.