I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
real
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
john wicks are toilet candles
Morning my dudes.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.