*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.