It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no