Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Festive toon…
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER