Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.