Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Holy shit he’s back
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
the three branches of government
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY