date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.