My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?