I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Need this in my life lol
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
called in thicc to work this morning
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant