If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
You Might Also Like
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what