‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
some Old Testament wisdom
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that