Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
#Thanos #MondayMood
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.