I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.