Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”