do u think theres a butter planet?
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
😂🤣😂🤣
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.