It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
What?!?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
How actors in movies eat their food
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?