It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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How animals would run if they were human
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Batman v Dracula
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Not recommended for beginners.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Stop it! 😂