I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Wednesday