boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Huge, if true.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same