I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS