Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Sticker placement is key.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.