I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.