Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice