*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
No Google it does not
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]