They’re stuck in your pants?
You Might Also Like
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Festive toon…
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning