You Might Also Like
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
How to make infinite energy.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”