I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.