I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
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Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.