Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.