Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
my friends when i can’t do basic math