Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The biggest mystery of our time
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.