I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
listen closely
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET