Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
#parenting
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
You can’t rush stupid.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.