Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.