My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?