Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.