me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
You Might Also Like
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.