I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]