Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
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[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Tony Hawk, age 6
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.