Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
me: my friends:
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
They also CAN sing✌️
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.