I missed you with all my darts
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*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”