[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.