London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
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one last job
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
good let them take over I have had enough
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.