Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.