ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off