[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.