*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Banking tips
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters