[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Easy enough.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.