I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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The pasta is now
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.